my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
