I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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