My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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