I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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