last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
