i was born a porn star she said
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
