i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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