tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
