Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
