just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize