Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize