Your face is a jimmy john
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
