i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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