saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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