U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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