I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize