wat bout pragnant strippers??
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
