so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
