worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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