It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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