I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I checked into jail on foursquare
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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