Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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