I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
