I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
