im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Semen is not good for contacts.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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