theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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