i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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