I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize