Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
