so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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