...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize