My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
