i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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