The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
