i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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