Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
