a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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