someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
