I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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