Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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