i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
