East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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