Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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