he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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