Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
