im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
