who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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