oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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