You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I believe in your delicious
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
