my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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