Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So much rum. So many feels.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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