look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
