I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
