I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
