If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
