I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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