Don't make out with my wife yet
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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