we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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