shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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