whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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