Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Drake has all the answers
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
