i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
