just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
